Hello

I want to congratulate myself. For being able to survive through hard times, dark nights of the soul, through the first semester of college, and through a lot of goodbyes. For being able to cheer moments of laughter, of hellos, and of hello-again-long-time-no-see(s). And most importantly, for being able to realize that there's always something good behind everything and to smile at the end.

I also want to say thank you to all of the people who have been standing beside me through everything. Thank you for still being there when even I, myself, didn't want to be around me. For saying 'you can do it' even when I didn't know I could. For being there till the end to proved me that I really could. For helping me realize that things can never be better than this.

I know that I've changed a lot since a few months ago, some for the better some for the worse. And I'm sorry because I did a lot of complaining, asking 'is this really my path?', and thinking about how it used to be. But the thing is, right now, I believe that I have a future. So, I promise, I'm not gonna be trapped in the past anymore.

The next semester will start in about 6 weeks from now. I still have a lot of time to have some fun and prepare things. Let's just hope these 6 weeks wont go to waste and will be a good start for the next 46 weeks that follow. Cheers!

I Guess So

Not that long ago, I reached the point of my life where everything went dull. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to be. I was pretty much depressed and got addicted to crying. I knew it doesn't solve anything yet I still did it so often I couldn’t even count how many times a day did I cry. It really was a hard time for me.

Months have passed. Everything has been improving since that dark time. This new life I’m living is way better than how I thought it would be. Everyone is great. I'm treated nicely. But it’s all different now. A big part of me is thanking God every single day, saying that I couldn’t ask for a better life than this one. Yet some other part is keep telling me that if I could trade anything, anything, with that “normal” life I had, I would.

I asked myself, ‘So what is it? What is the problem?’

Then I think the problem is not really at the environment. The problem is me. I’m the one who’s changing. My mood swing is rather crazy. I can laugh at the simplest thing yet my tears can flow at the drop of a hat. When I’m surrounded with people, the things they do and the things we do together can make me so happy that I laugh as if I’m the happiest person on earth. But when I’m alone, my addiction to crying comes back, even when absolutely nothing is happening.

Then I asked myself again ‘why?’

Hmm
Maybe, just maybe, the pain is still here.
Maybe, I still haven't let go of my shattered dream.
Maybe it’s still haunting me.
And I’m scared.

I’m scared that I will always be like this for the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will be living a life where I always wonder ‘what if that thing didn’t happen?’. I’m scared that whenever I look into the mirror, I’ll always see the girl who failed. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t.

I guess, I need help.

Till the Day I Can Thank You

Hi there

First of all, do you know that one human being can make such a big impact on another one?
I finally know that

Well
Things have been different

Yet, some things remain the same

The feeling I have

I thought that feeling would just go away

But it doesn't

I thought the pain would be healed by time

But it doesn't

I thought the scar would be gone

But it's still there

We used to meet almost everyday
Then those everyday meetings turned into just a-couple-days-a-week meeting
That turned into comforting texts
And turned into simple texts
Then finally, nothing

Distance seems to get further and further
We are far apart
I don't even know if your face still looks the same
Do you still have that soft voice I found comforting?
Do you still have those beautiful eyes that smile along with your warm smile?
Do you create a lot more memories there that you've forgotten the ones we created together?
You might even think those memories we had weren't that important, right?
But the biggest question is
Do you even still remember me at all?

You told me that everything will be fine
Don't you know that for me, 'everything' includes you?
Well I guess you didn't think of it when you told me that, right?

Anyway
Through this journey, I've shed a lot of tears
But I know that everyone comes into our life for a reason
Because that person has a lesson that needs to be thought to us
And I hope
I'll understand the lesson you've been trying to teach me
Soon