Heyho!
So many things have been happening in my life for these last couple of months. So many changes. Changes of plans. Changes of environment. Changes of the way I see things.
I've been hearing a lot of hellos. So many people are coming to my life. New memories are shared, laughters are made, and friendships are created. But as much as I appreciate it, I can't feel that happy because I've also been through a lot of goodbyes. Goodbyes with my dreams. Goodbyes with my easy life. Goodbyes with a lot of the closest people I've ever had.
You know, I've been asking myself. How could someone mean so much to you? How could someone's absence make you feel like you lose something? And when the other and other are slowly leaving you too, you're starting to have this weird feeling inside. The feeling of emptiness? I don't know. What I know is, it's not a good feeling.
This is a selfish part of me thinking but sometimes I want to be the one who's leaving. I know it's going to be hard. It's probably harder than being left. But maybe, if I'm the one who's going, I wouldn't have to be reminded so much of how things were going back then. I would have a new life. But here, everything I see has a story to tell. A story about how it used to. About how we could just sit there and talk for hours. Talk about happiness. Talk about our problems, about pain. Talk... about nothing at all.
Then I thought. If I leave, would anyone feel this way too? Would anyone wished that I just didn't have to go but let me go anyway because they knew I had to? Would anyone cry? Or smile and tell me that everything will be okay? That they'll always wait for me and be there when I come back?
At this point, I realized. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. You might find it irrelevant, but this is one of the big thing I've processed through this. I want to be someone whose presence is cherished, and whose absence is missed. I want to have an impact. I want to mean something.
You might think that each paragraph of this post has a different story, that they're not related. But for me, they're related, somehow.
