Just a Little Late Night Rambling

Never ever underestimate the power of words. The word 'good luck', 'semangat', and 'have a nice day' that usually doesn't mean a thing, can sometimes make a big impact to someone's day. It can brighten up their day and make them feel appreciated. At the same time, making a joke about someone, even though you don't mean it and you know he/she knows it too, can sometimes really bring that person down. You have no idea what's going on with other people's life. They might be going through a hard time that your simple critic can make them feel like they wanna kill themselves and your simple greetings can give them a new hope.

Smile works when words fail.

No matter how much you know and believe that you have people who care for you and will totally be there for you, sometimes when things happen, you just can't seem to tell them. You might want them to know there's something, yet you don't want them to know what that thing is.

When things happen, remember : All you need is God. God is all you need.

Just a Reminder

Remember!

You are the source of both your happiness and your sorrow.

Everything that happens in your life can be counted as a blessing if you want yet at the same time, you can count it as a tragedy. That really just depends on how you think about it.

This might be cliche. But hey, things get cliche just because it's been told thousands and thousands of times by everyone. And why do people keep telling it? Simply because it's true.

Hello

I want to congratulate myself. For being able to survive through hard times, dark nights of the soul, through the first semester of college, and through a lot of goodbyes. For being able to cheer moments of laughter, of hellos, and of hello-again-long-time-no-see(s). And most importantly, for being able to realize that there's always something good behind everything and to smile at the end.

I also want to say thank you to all of the people who have been standing beside me through everything. Thank you for still being there when even I, myself, didn't want to be around me. For saying 'you can do it' even when I didn't know I could. For being there till the end to proved me that I really could. For helping me realize that things can never be better than this.

I know that I've changed a lot since a few months ago, some for the better some for the worse. And I'm sorry because I did a lot of complaining, asking 'is this really my path?', and thinking about how it used to be. But the thing is, right now, I believe that I have a future. So, I promise, I'm not gonna be trapped in the past anymore.

The next semester will start in about 6 weeks from now. I still have a lot of time to have some fun and prepare things. Let's just hope these 6 weeks wont go to waste and will be a good start for the next 46 weeks that follow. Cheers!

I Guess So

Not that long ago, I reached the point of my life where everything went dull. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to be. I was pretty much depressed and got addicted to crying. I knew it doesn't solve anything yet I still did it so often I couldn’t even count how many times a day did I cry. It really was a hard time for me.

Months have passed. Everything has been improving since that dark time. This new life I’m living is way better than how I thought it would be. Everyone is great. I'm treated nicely. But it’s all different now. A big part of me is thanking God every single day, saying that I couldn’t ask for a better life than this one. Yet some other part is keep telling me that if I could trade anything, anything, with that “normal” life I had, I would.

I asked myself, ‘So what is it? What is the problem?’

Then I think the problem is not really at the environment. The problem is me. I’m the one who’s changing. My mood swing is rather crazy. I can laugh at the simplest thing yet my tears can flow at the drop of a hat. When I’m surrounded with people, the things they do and the things we do together can make me so happy that I laugh as if I’m the happiest person on earth. But when I’m alone, my addiction to crying comes back, even when absolutely nothing is happening.

Then I asked myself again ‘why?’

Hmm
Maybe, just maybe, the pain is still here.
Maybe, I still haven't let go of my shattered dream.
Maybe it’s still haunting me.
And I’m scared.

I’m scared that I will always be like this for the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will be living a life where I always wonder ‘what if that thing didn’t happen?’. I’m scared that whenever I look into the mirror, I’ll always see the girl who failed. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t.

I guess, I need help.

Till the Day I Can Thank You

Hi there

First of all, do you know that one human being can make such a big impact on another one?
I finally know that

Well
Things have been different

Yet, some things remain the same

The feeling I have

I thought that feeling would just go away

But it doesn't

I thought the pain would be healed by time

But it doesn't

I thought the scar would be gone

But it's still there

We used to meet almost everyday
Then those everyday meetings turned into just a-couple-days-a-week meeting
That turned into comforting texts
And turned into simple texts
Then finally, nothing

Distance seems to get further and further
We are far apart
I don't even know if your face still looks the same
Do you still have that soft voice I found comforting?
Do you still have those beautiful eyes that smile along with your warm smile?
Do you create a lot more memories there that you've forgotten the ones we created together?
You might even think those memories we had weren't that important, right?
But the biggest question is
Do you even still remember me at all?

You told me that everything will be fine
Don't you know that for me, 'everything' includes you?
Well I guess you didn't think of it when you told me that, right?

Anyway
Through this journey, I've shed a lot of tears
But I know that everyone comes into our life for a reason
Because that person has a lesson that needs to be thought to us
And I hope
I'll understand the lesson you've been trying to teach me
Soon

Somehow

Heyho!

So many things have been happening in my life for these last couple of months. So many changes. Changes of plans. Changes of environment. Changes of the way I see things.

I've been hearing a lot of hellos. So many people are coming to my life. New memories are shared, laughters are made, and friendships are created. But as much as I appreciate it, I can't feel that happy because I've also been through a lot of goodbyes. Goodbyes with my dreams. Goodbyes with my easy life. Goodbyes with a lot of the closest people I've ever had.

You know, I've been asking myself. How could someone mean so much to you? How could someone's absence make you feel like you lose something? And when the other and other are slowly leaving you too, you're starting to have this weird feeling inside. The feeling of emptiness? I don't know. What I know is, it's not a good feeling.

This is a selfish part of me thinking but sometimes I want to be the one who's leaving. I know it's going to be hard. It's probably harder than being left. But maybe, if I'm the one who's going, I wouldn't have to be reminded so much of how things were going back then. I would have a new life. But here, everything I see has a story to tell. A story about how it used to. About how we could just sit there and talk for hours. Talk about happiness. Talk about our problems, about pain. Talk... about nothing at all.

Then I thought. If I leave, would anyone feel this way too? Would anyone wished that I just didn't have to go but let me go anyway because they knew I had to? Would anyone cry? Or smile and tell me that everything will be okay? That they'll always wait for me and be there when I come back?

At this point, I realized. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. You might find it irrelevant, but this is one of the big thing I've processed through this. I want to be someone whose presence is cherished, and whose absence is missed. I want to have an impact. I want to mean something.

You might think that each paragraph of this post has a different story, that they're not related. But for me, they're related, somehow.

:')

It's 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I'm sitting here alone, in the dark, thinking about life. Thinking about failure and success, about choices, opportunities, serendipity, fate. Thinking about hope.

Seven hours ago, I was sitting here in this very same spot, knowing in any minute everything would be revealed. I was so full I hope that all my work would be paid off that time. I thought I would be free by now. The dream I've had since I was in elementary school, I thought it would come true. Turned out, it didn't. I know this is for the best. I just...  I still haven't found the way to just forget about it and move on with my life. You do know that sometimes it's hard to let go of your dreams, right? To accept the fact that things don't go the way you want it to be, even though it's His plan and you know He knows the best?

It's at this kind of moment I realize I'm surrounded by amazing people. My family and friends are just so supportive and caring I feel like I wanna hug all of them. They have helped me realize that sometimes it's okay to fail. That every once in a while you have to drink the lemonade life gives you. And that there're still other chances. I've missed this chance but I'm not gonna miss the next one. Maybe this is just what I need. All my life I had never been this disappointed. In the eyes of my family, I had always been the one they could count on. The one who could always make it. The one who was without any doubts, would always get what she wanted. But this experience have showed me that there's no such thing as always.

Okay I stopped there for a while and reread a couple of things people have told me in these last few hours and you know what? It put a big smile on my face. So to all of you who have been there, who have told me that it's okay and I'm gonna make it somehow, who have made me smile during my cries, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Just A Little Something

Have you ever pushed yourself too hard to get something or to somewhere, that you ended up not caring about anything else? You forgot to have fun, did the things that you actually love, just because you thought you have to get to that somewhere. And by the time you got there, you realized it's not somewhere you need to be at nor want to. It was just somewhere you thought you should be at, because everyone else was telling you that. Have you ever gone through that? No? Well then, lucky you!

Happy National Blogger Day!

I know I'm such a bad blogger (if I still may use that word to describe myself - blogger) since I haven't posted anything for quite a long time, but today is National Blogger Day here in Indonesia and I feel the urge to write something here. So now I'm gonna write down some things (I think) only bloggers could ever get. If I'm a good blogger I wouldn't talk about anything but the topic I've chosen right? But since we all know I'm so good at being out to topic....... well, let's just see.

First of all, since I become a blogger, I've been getting some lovely new friends. It might sound cheesy and stuffs but you guys have been here through all these crazy things in my life that I share here. You've been giving me your support through the hard times, some advices when I get cluless, and hope when I feel like giving up. You make me feel strong, like I can conquer anything. Thank you so much.

Next, I've been watching some of you bloggers get better and better at blogging. The ones who used to only post pictures, now can finally express theirself through writing. The ones who used to post pointless things can now write a tremendous essay. The ones who knew nothing about HTML can now make a beautiful web design. And so on.

I might not be improving as much as some of you do, but I believe I've slightly changed. I didn't realize blogging has quite a big effect until I stopped. The longer time I spend without writing anything at all here, the harder it gets for me to start writing. Yes it's true that if we write often, even though we don't have any blogs, our writing skills would be improved. But the big question is, will you finish your writing when you don't even know what to do with it after you write it? Well the answers may vary but for me, it's a no.

After that, blogging has been helping me increase my knowledge. Reading the blogs of people who have the same interest with me does really broaden my horizon. For example, through blogs I now know some awesome songs I would never hear on the radio, recipes I'd been trying to find on my recipe books but I couldn't find, some tear dropping movies that would never be played on the cinemas, and so on.

When you get so many infos from other bloggers, it makes you feel like you have to give them something back. Sharing some infos with other bloggers has always been fun. That's what will make you a better researcher. That way you'll get more informations that you can share and once again, it will broaden your horizon.

And the most important thing is, you can just be yourself. No matter what, there's always someone out there who's just like you and will relate to your writings. You might have to try to fit in at school that you end up not being like yourself, but here you'll be appreciated for who you are.

There they are, some things people can get through blogging. I know there are a lot of other benefits from blogging, maybe you can share me your own thoughts here. Good bye people! Have a nice day!

Tough Times Do Not Last. Tough People Do.

At the end of each day, good or bad, be thankful. If we never had bad days then the good days wouldn't stand out.

- Jonathan Cook

Sometimes my life doesn't go the way I want it to be. Sometimes it goes rough and messy. So bad that I feel like crying in my room alone while listening to sad emo songs. My heart falls into pieces. I breathe but I don't feel alive. But that's life.

In this life I've learned, that having a bad day is normal. That those tough times won't last forever. That even if we make a mistake and things go wrong, life still goes on. Even if we can't make it right this time, we've learned something. And I know with every mistakes I make, I get one step closer to the great person I want to be.

I know we all have heard 'life goes on!' so many times in our life before that sometimes it loses its meaning. But if George Carlin could write those lines after his wife died, why do we spend our whole day crying in our room when we gain 1 kg or we only get B in our final exam? Remember what Jonathan Cook once said, "tough times do not last. Tough people do." So be tough! I hope we can all keep that in mind.

PS : I know it's late but happy Ramadhan Month to all of the moslems in this world! May each moment of this holy month is filled with God's blessings. Amin!

.........

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

- Get It Right (Glee's Original Song) -

A wise man once said 'I love walking in the rain, cause then no-one knows I'm crying.' But there's this poor girl who is too afraid to walk in the rain cause she's scared her body will get sick. The pain in her heart is already too much to be taken care of. So she has a different way.

Whenever I get sad, I love to turn on a music in my room. I turn it out so loud so that no-one will hear me and know I'm crying. I lock the door so no one will be able to open it and just pretend that I didn't hear they knocked on my door, cause, well, I said I turn the music so loud, right?

I know everyone has their own way to achieve their happiness. Everyone has their own highs and lows. I try and try to see the world in a different way, many different ways. From every perspective you see the world, you'll find some new positive points right? So does some negative points. But sometimes, at the end of the day, all of those negative things just come haunting me and make me feel even more vulnerable. And it's happening right now.

I know there'll be a rainbow after the rain. I hope the sky will get brighter soon so the rain will stop pouring and the rainbow will finally arrive.

Blessings

There is a memory in my heart today

That passing years cannot take away

An empty space no one can fill

I love you still and always will

The tears in my eyes, I can wipe away

But the ache in my heart still always stay

- Achmad Bakrie -

I was supposed to bring a biography book of a famous Indonesian person last Wednesday. But then I forgot to bring one. Silly me. Thank God there are some biography books in my school's library so I borrowed one. The book that I borrowed is about Achmad Bakrie. I haven't heard about him before. Turns out, he is the father of that famous Afrizal Bakrie. What surprised me is the fact that Achmad Bakrie loved to write some poems, and I think his poems are beautiful.

So anyway, this week has been one gloomy-no spirit-feels like crying week. But even in the most difficult times of your life, you can still find some good things. Here are some positive things from my week so far :
1. I've been trying to forgive myself better than before. I think you wont be able to live happily if you still think about yourself as a girl-who-has-too-many-faults.
2. It shows me that us, students in 8 shs, are a real family. We support each other, we console each other, we try to make each other smile, because we are one. Together, better, stronger!
3. I have the best of best friends anyone can ever ask for. On Tuesday, since it was a holiday, I went to PIM with two of them, which are Nadea and Nisa. We talked and they made me feel better and happier. After that, Nadea and I went to watch No Strings Attached and Nisa watched another movie with her bf. Wanna know my opinion about the movie? Here it is : Ashton Kutcher is so handsome and hot and cute and Natalie Portman makes me jealous. Hahaha
4. I've been trying to ignore some negative thoughts that people said. I think my life is complicated enough to even care about those things. I want to bring some positive energy to everyone.
5. I feel blessed because I am still alive and surrounded by so many lovely people. Including my blog friends :)

What If I Am the Next?

One of my junior just passed away today. When I first heard this, I felt empty. I couldn't feel anything. But then I came back to reality and I was scared. I cried. Even though I dont know him in person, but I do know his face. We met often. Especially these last couple of days. He seemed really fit and healthy. But then suddenly, this day, he got a heart attack. This makes me think, the next time it happens, it might be me.

We all think and hope that we all will have a normal life. Like this

But what if our life turns to be not as normal as that? What if it will stop at the word 'school'? What if we will never know what it feels like to work? What it feels like to earn some money for doing your passion? What if you'll never get married and have a happy family? What if all of the things you do, studying hard so that one day you'll become a very successful person, is useless because your life will end just before you can make your dream comes true?

All my life, or at least these last couple of years, I've been thinking too hard about my future. I've always been so scared that maybe, I wont be able to become a successful and sophisticated woman. I've been wondering, what if my future wont be so bright? Now, I realized. I've been wondering too many questions, but never the most important thing : what if, I will never have a future? Literally, dont have a future.

So this is what I think I should learn from this. Live your life for the present. Live it to the fullest. Have fun! Don't let the smallest problem in this world becomes the one that depresses you the most. Life is too precious to waste on those things. Do not ever forget every little sweet things a person do for you. Maybe one day you won't be able to see that person again and you'll give everything just to get back to that moment.

But the most important thing to do is, remember that God does exist and He can call you any time. Do not ever forget to pray and ask Him to give the best for you.

My deepest condolences go out to Arsya Pratama's family, friends, and everyone who'd known him before he died. You have to know that my prayers (and I'm pretty sure many of other people's prayers too) go out to you today. Arsya, even though I never had a chance to know you in person, I just couldn't hold my tears from falling. I'm sorry I can't come to your funeral. Rest in peace!

Never a Good Thing

My little brother is having a crush on a girl from his school whose class is next to his. He started to spend most of his time at home by locking himself inside his room and just chat via msn or facebook with that girl. If he’s chatting with that girl, he won’t leave it, even to eat. He lost 2 kgs. It’s starting to make me worry. I think he likes this girl too much. And I’ve learned that the word ‘too’ – as used in ‘too much’, ‘too risky’, ‘too small’, and so on – is never a good thing. On this post, I’ll talk about the word ‘too much’.

Have you ever thought what it would be like if you have too much money? Faaar too much than what you need. Will you feel save? Will you feel loved? Well for all of you who answered ‘yes’ to that question, you might have to think over. Will you feel save? “Yes!” you said, because you thought whatever happens, you can deal it. Money rules the world, right? And people will surely love you as you can give them whatever they ask if you want to, and all they need to do is be your bestfriend or lover, right? But hey, if I had too much money than the amount I’ve ever needed, I think I’m not gonna feel save. Maybe everytime I see people around me, I’d be scared that they’re actually trying to steal my money. And I’d be scared that people never actually love me for who I am. They just love me because of the things I’m capable of doing. And will I be happy? I don’t think so.

That thing also occurs for love. When you love something – or in this case, someone - too much, you might not care about anything else in this world except that person/thing. You might hurt other people’s feelings just to make that person you love too much feel better. You might let go an opportunity to study abroad and become a succesful accountant, because it means you have to go far far away from the people that you love, and you almost can’t spend just one day without seeing their faces. You might suffer anorexia cause your passion for being a ballerina is too big and has become an obsession.

When you have something and love something too much, it doesn’t guarantee you a good life. Sometimes it just gives you the opposite. What I’m trying to tell is, love everyone around you, be grateful for everything you have, create your dreams and try to reach it, but never love them too much and never let those things control you. Because one day, you’re going to lose them.

*Special thanks to TeSIS 8'12 Group 23 for making me think this way.

Wait and See!

I am the kind of girl who enjoys reading books, but never writes her own book.
I am the kind of girl who loves art, but never creates her own art work.
I am the kind of girl who likes music, but never learn how to play any instruments.
I am the kind of girl who admires clothes in fashion magazines, but never really have the gut to wear those things.
I am the kind of girl who can spend a lot of money in dvds cause she loves movies so much, but never try to make her own film.

I am the kind of person who is just an audience, never an actress. I watch everyone get success, clap for them, congratulate them, wondering how good life is for people like them, and that’s it. I never try to make my own successful story. I thought it’s just the way I am. But then I realized. I can change. I can write my own story. An amazing journey to my wonderful success. And I guess, you all just need to wait and see! ;)

Sometimes Tomorrow Has To Start Today

Who do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor maybe? Or a lawyer? And what are you doing now? Laying on the couch and think you have nothing else to do beside surfing the internet? Now look at the title of your tabs. What are they? If what you see are only tumblr, twitter, some bands' myspace profiles, and so on, then you're as dead as me now. I'm actually writing this as a note to myself.

In order to make your wishes come true, you have to start making it happen today. You can't just sit down and hoping that tomorrow you'll become a president. You have to stand up now and start giving a damn about what's going on in your country. You want to be a doctor, and everytime you see that super thick and big biology book, you'd say 'Naah I'm not going to study now. I still have time' ? No no you can't be like that. You have to start fighting your laziness and get your ass off of the couch.

No one will grant your wishes (unless you have a magic lamp with a genie inside :p) You better make it happen. Starting now!

I've been a dreamer for a long time, but I never really have the spirit to make my dreams come true. I still dont do what I have to do, even for the simplest of things. I'm not proud of it, of course. I'm sick of it. I want to change. But everytime I think about it, I'd say 'oh yeah I'm gonna change. Today? Or tomorrow? Well tomorrow it is.' and dang, i haven't changed yet. But now I'm saying this to myself, sometimes tomorrow has to start today.

P.S : That line I used as the title is a quote from the book 'A Book of Tomorrow' I honestly has only read the first chapter haha :p But it was good. ;)

Dear Little Kids, Dream Big While You Can!

When I was 11 years old, I didn't get a letter from Hogwarts telling that I'm a wizard. When I turned 16, my Grandma didn't tell me either that actually, I'm a princess of a small-but-lovely country, like Mia Termopholis in Princess Diaries.

----------------

When I was 9, I imagined what it would be like if it turns out that I'm a wizard. I can make things I want easily, do things I want, and the best part is, I can help Harry to kill Voldemort. But of course, nothing happened every time I get mad, or sad. I want to read some spell and the next thing I know is, all the people that make me unhappy will just disappear for a moment and they'll return when I feel better.

Then, when I was 15, I imagined what it feels like to know that I'm actually a princess. Wearing nice and branded clothes all the time, having a closet like Mia Termopholis, going to a crowning ball, do something good for my country (and it'll turn out they love me) oh that would be a dream that comes true. Showing all the people that make me unhappy that I could just tell my servants to kidnapped you, but I didn't because I'm just a better person than you all are. But then again, I'm not a princess.

Yes I know those things won't come true. But at least I could dream about it, right? But what would you think if now I'm telling you that I'm still waiting for a letter from Hogwarts saying that I'm a wizard? Or if I'm telling you that I know actually, I'm a princess, but my Grandma just hasn't find the right time to tell me? Will you think I'm crazy? Well yeah, I know you will. Because no matter what, I'm not a little kid anymore whose dreams can be as impossible as Justin Bieber is actually a king of all dragons. I'm not supposed to have that kind of dream. That's one more reason why I miss my childhood.

It's time to go shopping

... Back then, drawing a stick man is cool and wearing a stupid heart-printed cloth with a big bow on my head isn't a crime. Ooh I miss those times.

Trying to Think Positively

I’m just a regular teenager with many things I wish I could have. Like I wanna have some good branded clothes, cute accessories, big room with many fancy furnitures, those new gadgets everyone’s talking about and some fun those teens do like hang out, go to the cinema or having a party. But well, I cannot have all of those things because as much as I want it, I cannot force my parents to buy me all the things on my wish list. Sometimes I have to think ‘which one do I need the most?’ or ‘which one do I really need NOW?’ then sometimes I can figure it out, or it can turns out that I don’t really need those things at all, I just WANT them.

There are so many things I think I needed but now I know I don’t need them. But still, I really want them all but I know I just can’t, so you know what I do? I’ve been planning to hunt some second-hand branded stuffs with my friends, so I can have those good things with such a low price.

Now, about the fun, since I’m going to the You-Have-to-Work-Hard-Everyday-If-You-Wanna-Survive kind of school and it’s one of the busiest school in the city so I cannot hang out as much as I used to and I want to. I miss my family, I miss cinema!! When I was in Junior High, I can go to the mall almost whenever I want it (and when my driver is home of course) –oh wait, I can even go the mall after school with my friends since on Thursday and Friday, my school ended at 12 o’clock. I also can go the cinema 2 times a month at least, and I can watch several DVDs per week. But now??? Hhh…

But I’ll try to think the positive things about being busy these times. It will pay off someday, I know it. Maybe I can finally get great scores on every test I do someday? Winning something at the science Olympiad maybe? Or even become a valedictorian? And the best think I ever want is I can go to the super-awesome-college like I always want to and become a very success female someday. I know all of them are so hard to achieve but I’ll work my ass off so I can get it! And you know what? I’m starting to love my full-day-work routine :)

So after all, I just want me and all of guys who are reading this, to believe that we can get all the things we need just maybe not with the way we want it. And believe me sometimes we only think about what we want and not what we need, just like me. There are many things I actually need which I didn’t think about before. I need to get into a great college so that I can be a success girl and make my dreams come true, so God put me in the school where there are so many smart and competitive friends so I’ll try to fight my laziness and get ready to face the real world of hard work! I need to love my family more so God give me the times when I miss them very much to know that I love them so much and I cant live without them. I need to find a way to know what things do I really need, so God give me a parents who wont give me all the things I want, and I can try to solve the problem, then I could know what are the things those are really matter for me. And I also realized

Some parents give their children branded clothes, some parents give a bedroom with a big space and a 5 star hotel facilities, some give a car to their child even though their child hasn't been 17 yet, but some parents don't give things like that easily, because they want to give you lessons. :)

By the end, I hope we all will be happy with the things we’re going through right now! I’m trying to be a positive thinker so I can be happy!! Wish me luck and.. have a nice day all! :)