Not that long ago, I reached the point of my life where everything went dull. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to be. I was pretty much depressed and got addicted to crying. I knew it doesn't solve anything yet I still did it so often I couldn’t even count how many times a day did I cry. It really was a hard time for me.
Months have passed. Everything has been improving since that dark time. This new life I’m living is way better than how I thought it would be. Everyone is great. I'm treated nicely. But it’s all different now. A big part of me is thanking God every single day, saying that I couldn’t ask for a better life than this one. Yet some other part is keep telling me that if I could trade anything, anything, with that “normal” life I had, I would.
I asked myself, ‘So what is it? What is the problem?’
Then I think the problem is not really at the environment. The problem is me. I’m the one who’s changing. My mood swing is rather crazy. I can laugh at the simplest thing yet my tears can flow at the drop of a hat. When I’m surrounded with people, the things they do and the things we do together can make me so happy that I laugh as if I’m the happiest person on earth. But when I’m alone, my addiction to crying comes back, even when absolutely nothing is happening.
Then I asked myself again ‘why?’
Hmm
Maybe, just maybe, the pain is still here.
Maybe, I still haven't let go of my shattered dream.
Maybe it’s still haunting me.
And I’m scared.
I’m scared that I will always be like this for the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will be living a life where I always wonder ‘what if that thing didn’t happen?’. I’m scared that whenever I look into the mirror, I’ll always see the girl who failed. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t.
I guess, I need help.
Saturday 1 December 2012
Friday 19 October 2012
Till the Day I Can Thank You
Hi there
First of all, do you know that one human being can make such a big impact on another one?
I finally know that
Well
Things have been different
We used to meet almost everyday
Then those everyday meetings turned into just a-couple-days-a-week meeting
That turned into comforting texts
And turned into simple texts
Then finally, nothing
Distance seems to get further and further
We are far apart
I don't even know if your face still looks the same
Do you still have that soft voice I found comforting?
Do you still have those beautiful eyes that smile along with your warm smile?
Do you create a lot more memories there that you've forgotten the ones we created together?
You might even think those memories we had weren't that important, right?
But the biggest question is
Do you even still remember me at all?
You told me that everything will be fine
Don't you know that for me, 'everything' includes you?
Well I guess you didn't think of it when you told me that, right?
Anyway
Through this journey, I've shed a lot of tears
But I know that everyone comes into our life for a reason
Because that person has a lesson that needs to be thought to us
And I hope
I'll understand the lesson you've been trying to teach me
Soon
First of all, do you know that one human being can make such a big impact on another one?
I finally know that
Well
Things have been different
Yet, some things remain the same
The feeling I have
I thought that feeling would just go away
But it doesn't
I thought the pain would be healed by time
But it doesn't
I thought the scar would be gone
But it's still there
We used to meet almost everyday
Then those everyday meetings turned into just a-couple-days-a-week meeting
That turned into comforting texts
And turned into simple texts
Then finally, nothing
Distance seems to get further and further
We are far apart
I don't even know if your face still looks the same
Do you still have that soft voice I found comforting?
Do you still have those beautiful eyes that smile along with your warm smile?
Do you create a lot more memories there that you've forgotten the ones we created together?
You might even think those memories we had weren't that important, right?
But the biggest question is
Do you even still remember me at all?
You told me that everything will be fine
Don't you know that for me, 'everything' includes you?
Well I guess you didn't think of it when you told me that, right?
Anyway
Through this journey, I've shed a lot of tears
But I know that everyone comes into our life for a reason
Because that person has a lesson that needs to be thought to us
And I hope
I'll understand the lesson you've been trying to teach me
Soon
Saturday 25 August 2012
Somehow
Heyho!
So many things have been happening in my life for these last couple of months. So many changes. Changes of plans. Changes of environment. Changes of the way I see things.
I've been hearing a lot of hellos. So many people are coming to my life. New memories are shared, laughters are made, and friendships are created. But as much as I appreciate it, I can't feel that happy because I've also been through a lot of goodbyes. Goodbyes with my dreams. Goodbyes with my easy life. Goodbyes with a lot of the closest people I've ever had.
You know, I've been asking myself. How could someone mean so much to you? How could someone's absence make you feel like you lose something? And when the other and other are slowly leaving you too, you're starting to have this weird feeling inside. The feeling of emptiness? I don't know. What I know is, it's not a good feeling.
This is a selfish part of me thinking but sometimes I want to be the one who's leaving. I know it's going to be hard. It's probably harder than being left. But maybe, if I'm the one who's going, I wouldn't have to be reminded so much of how things were going back then. I would have a new life. But here, everything I see has a story to tell. A story about how it used to. About how we could just sit there and talk for hours. Talk about happiness. Talk about our problems, about pain. Talk... about nothing at all.
Then I thought. If I leave, would anyone feel this way too? Would anyone wished that I just didn't have to go but let me go anyway because they knew I had to? Would anyone cry? Or smile and tell me that everything will be okay? That they'll always wait for me and be there when I come back?
At this point, I realized. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. You might find it irrelevant, but this is one of the big thing I've processed through this. I want to be someone whose presence is cherished, and whose absence is missed. I want to have an impact. I want to mean something.
You might think that each paragraph of this post has a different story, that they're not related. But for me, they're related, somehow.
So many things have been happening in my life for these last couple of months. So many changes. Changes of plans. Changes of environment. Changes of the way I see things.
I've been hearing a lot of hellos. So many people are coming to my life. New memories are shared, laughters are made, and friendships are created. But as much as I appreciate it, I can't feel that happy because I've also been through a lot of goodbyes. Goodbyes with my dreams. Goodbyes with my easy life. Goodbyes with a lot of the closest people I've ever had.
You know, I've been asking myself. How could someone mean so much to you? How could someone's absence make you feel like you lose something? And when the other and other are slowly leaving you too, you're starting to have this weird feeling inside. The feeling of emptiness? I don't know. What I know is, it's not a good feeling.
This is a selfish part of me thinking but sometimes I want to be the one who's leaving. I know it's going to be hard. It's probably harder than being left. But maybe, if I'm the one who's going, I wouldn't have to be reminded so much of how things were going back then. I would have a new life. But here, everything I see has a story to tell. A story about how it used to. About how we could just sit there and talk for hours. Talk about happiness. Talk about our problems, about pain. Talk... about nothing at all.
Then I thought. If I leave, would anyone feel this way too? Would anyone wished that I just didn't have to go but let me go anyway because they knew I had to? Would anyone cry? Or smile and tell me that everything will be okay? That they'll always wait for me and be there when I come back?
At this point, I realized. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. You might find it irrelevant, but this is one of the big thing I've processed through this. I want to be someone whose presence is cherished, and whose absence is missed. I want to have an impact. I want to mean something.
You might think that each paragraph of this post has a different story, that they're not related. But for me, they're related, somehow.
Saturday 7 July 2012
:')
It's 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I'm sitting here alone, in the dark, thinking about life. Thinking about failure and success, about choices, opportunities, serendipity, fate. Thinking about hope.
Seven hours ago, I was sitting here in this very same spot, knowing in any minute everything would be revealed. I was so full I hope that all my work would be paid off that time. I thought I would be free by now. The dream I've had since I was in elementary school, I thought it would come true. Turned out, it didn't. I know this is for the best. I just... I still haven't found the way to just forget about it and move on with my life. You do know that sometimes it's hard to let go of your dreams, right? To accept the fact that things don't go the way you want it to be, even though it's His plan and you know He knows the best?
It's at this kind of moment I realize I'm surrounded by amazing people. My family and friends are just so supportive and caring I feel like I wanna hug all of them. They have helped me realize that sometimes it's okay to fail. That every once in a while you have to drink the lemonade life gives you. And that there're still other chances. I've missed this chance but I'm not gonna miss the next one. Maybe this is just what I need. All my life I had never been this disappointed. In the eyes of my family, I had always been the one they could count on. The one who could always make it. The one who was without any doubts, would always get what she wanted. But this experience have showed me that there's no such thing as always.
Okay I stopped there for a while and reread a couple of things people have told me in these last few hours and you know what? It put a big smile on my face. So to all of you who have been there, who have told me that it's okay and I'm gonna make it somehow, who have made me smile during my cries, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Seven hours ago, I was sitting here in this very same spot, knowing in any minute everything would be revealed. I was so full I hope that all my work would be paid off that time. I thought I would be free by now. The dream I've had since I was in elementary school, I thought it would come true. Turned out, it didn't. I know this is for the best. I just... I still haven't found the way to just forget about it and move on with my life. You do know that sometimes it's hard to let go of your dreams, right? To accept the fact that things don't go the way you want it to be, even though it's His plan and you know He knows the best?
It's at this kind of moment I realize I'm surrounded by amazing people. My family and friends are just so supportive and caring I feel like I wanna hug all of them. They have helped me realize that sometimes it's okay to fail. That every once in a while you have to drink the lemonade life gives you. And that there're still other chances. I've missed this chance but I'm not gonna miss the next one. Maybe this is just what I need. All my life I had never been this disappointed. In the eyes of my family, I had always been the one they could count on. The one who could always make it. The one who was without any doubts, would always get what she wanted. But this experience have showed me that there's no such thing as always.
Okay I stopped there for a while and reread a couple of things people have told me in these last few hours and you know what? It put a big smile on my face. So to all of you who have been there, who have told me that it's okay and I'm gonna make it somehow, who have made me smile during my cries, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Sunday 1 July 2012
Light and Dark
That was the thing: Once, the difference between light and dark had been basic. One was good, one bad. Suddenly, though, things weren’t so clear. The dark was still a mystery, something hidden, something to be scared of, but I’d come to fear the light, too. It was where everything was revealed, or seemed to be. Eyes closed, I saw only the blackness, reminding me of this one thing, the most deep of my secrets; eyes open, there was only the world that didn’t know it, bright, inescapable, and somehow, still there.
- Sarah Dessen -
Tuesday 1 May 2012
Songs You Have to Hear Before You Go Deaf
Well the tittle might be (a little) too extreme. By reading that some of you might think I'd write down a list of phenomenal songs from Queen's era to One Direction's. The truth is, no. I just wrote that because, let's be honest, it sounds catchier than 'Songs I Love' right? Anyway, this post is gonna be a random list about some favorite songs of mine that's been accompanying me through everything lately. Some songs might be about happiness, friendship, courage, and falling in love while others are about mending a broken heart, giving up, and pain. Some songs might make you want to jump all around yet some other songs make you want to just lay on your bed and stare at the ceiling.
Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me
"Yeah I've been feeling everything. From hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth. I guess that's how I know you. So I hold you close to help you give it up"
Hellogoodbye - Oh, It Is Love
"We'll be holding hands once again. All our broken plans I will mend. I will hold you tight so you know it is love, from the first time I pressed my hand to yours, thinking, 'Oh, is it love?'"
Ingrid Michaelson - Be Ok
"Open me up and you will see, I'm a gallery of broken hearts. I'm beyond repair, let me be, and give me back my broken parts"
Kris Allen - No Boundaries
"You can go higher, you can go deeper. There are no boundaries above and beneath you. Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you and your dreams."
The Maine - Whoever She Is
"She could be money, cars, fear of the dark. Your best friends or just strangers in bars. Who ever she is, who ever she may be. One thing's for sure, you don't have to worry."
Glee Cast - Lean On Me
"So just call on me brother when you need a hand. We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you'll understand. We all need somebody to lean on."
He Is We - Blame It On The Rain
"Tell me does she look at you the way I do? Try to understand the words you say and the way you move. Does she get the same big rush when you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush? Tell me am I crazy, or is this more than a crush?"
My Girl Friday - Love Will Find You
"To whom it may concern, good love will find you someday. But if you keep on looking for it, it will only keep you waiting. To whom it may concern, good love will find you someday. Till then live well, live happy, and live free."
The Cab - Living Louder
"'Cause we're all just kids who grew up way too fast. Yeah the good die young but the great will always last. We're growing older, but we're all soldiers tonight."
Alanis Morissette - I Remain
"I'll keep it to myself. My irade eye swim in my head. Your charm can not distract me from the path I'm born to tread."
"Yeah I've been feeling everything. From hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth. I guess that's how I know you. So I hold you close to help you give it up"
Hellogoodbye - Oh, It Is Love
"We'll be holding hands once again. All our broken plans I will mend. I will hold you tight so you know it is love, from the first time I pressed my hand to yours, thinking, 'Oh, is it love?'"
Ingrid Michaelson - Be Ok
"Open me up and you will see, I'm a gallery of broken hearts. I'm beyond repair, let me be, and give me back my broken parts"
Kris Allen - No Boundaries
"You can go higher, you can go deeper. There are no boundaries above and beneath you. Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you and your dreams."
The Maine - Whoever She Is
"She could be money, cars, fear of the dark. Your best friends or just strangers in bars. Who ever she is, who ever she may be. One thing's for sure, you don't have to worry."
Glee Cast - Lean On Me
"So just call on me brother when you need a hand. We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you'll understand. We all need somebody to lean on."
He Is We - Blame It On The Rain
"Tell me does she look at you the way I do? Try to understand the words you say and the way you move. Does she get the same big rush when you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush? Tell me am I crazy, or is this more than a crush?"
My Girl Friday - Love Will Find You
"To whom it may concern, good love will find you someday. But if you keep on looking for it, it will only keep you waiting. To whom it may concern, good love will find you someday. Till then live well, live happy, and live free."
The Cab - Living Louder
"'Cause we're all just kids who grew up way too fast. Yeah the good die young but the great will always last. We're growing older, but we're all soldiers tonight."
Alanis Morissette - I Remain
"I'll keep it to myself. My irade eye swim in my head. Your charm can not distract me from the path I'm born to tread."
Saturday 28 April 2012
Hello Again!
So after taking a 3 months break of this whole blogging world, I am finally back. So many things had happened since January. For example, in February I was hospitalized for five days, I'm no longer 17-last month I turned 18 and despite the fact that my father was not in town, I have to admit it was quite a delightful birthday-, and the big thing is, I'm happy to announce that national examination is now finally just a memory since it already happened. And that is why I can be here again today. Even though I didn't study all the time (I really did not), taking some time to wrote something here would just make me feel guilty.
Anyway, no more school for me (hopefully). Yeah sure I'll have to go to courses everyday and study and study and study even harder to get into the university I want, but I've refused to start studying during this one week break that I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna have anymore in quite a while. And so, I made this list of the things I want to do this week.
Anyway, no more school for me (hopefully). Yeah sure I'll have to go to courses everyday and study and study and study even harder to get into the university I want, but I've refused to start studying during this one week break that I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna have anymore in quite a while. And so, I made this list of the things I want to do this week.
So far, I've done half of those things. Let's see. I've been watching a lot of movies since day 1 of this break. I've tried to make chocolate lava and it was quite a success. I went to a theme park which called Dufan on Thursday with five friends of mine. And yes, I've done some shopping during this break. I know that I still have four more things to do but I'm pretty happy with what I've done. Hopefully I'll finish this to-do-list soon.
At first I wanted to share you a story about my visit to Dufan with my friends and maybe show you a couple of pictures, but I have to get ready to go to my sister's house so..... maybe later. Bye!
Wednesday 4 January 2012
2012
Woohoo it's 2012 already. Do you know what it means to me? That in less than 6 months I'll take a lot of tests, and by a lot of tests I mean never-ending-tests-that-(possibly)-will-drive-me-crazy, and if they go well, then I'm gonna graduate, end enter university. I hope I'm gonna make it to my dream university.
This year I don't really make a resolution list since based on my experience, I've always abandoned my list after the first couple weeks of the new year. But I still have some goals, like of course, get better scores at school and study harder so I can get into ITB (my dream university, at least until now). Other than that, I hope I'm gonna be able to pray harder, getting closer to God, be nicer, and just simply be happier.
Anyway, I've been bored with my blog's look. So since it's my first post this year, I think it's a perfect time to change it. Here's the difference between how my blog looks before and how it looks now
This year I don't really make a resolution list since based on my experience, I've always abandoned my list after the first couple weeks of the new year. But I still have some goals, like of course, get better scores at school and study harder so I can get into ITB (my dream university, at least until now). Other than that, I hope I'm gonna be able to pray harder, getting closer to God, be nicer, and just simply be happier.
Anyway, I've been bored with my blog's look. So since it's my first post this year, I think it's a perfect time to change it. Here's the difference between how my blog looks before and how it looks now
At first I wanted to use brown as the main color of my new layout, but I just love purple so much, what can I do? And I want something that looks more simple than the previous one, so I changed me header font and only used one colors instead of three. I'm also not using the tape strip again that I used as a background of my twitter, Facebook, and tumblr link image. I'm using a simple box now instead. So what do you think of it?
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