I Guess So

Not that long ago, I reached the point of my life where everything went dull. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to be. I was pretty much depressed and got addicted to crying. I knew it doesn't solve anything yet I still did it so often I couldn’t even count how many times a day did I cry. It really was a hard time for me.

Months have passed. Everything has been improving since that dark time. This new life I’m living is way better than how I thought it would be. Everyone is great. I'm treated nicely. But it’s all different now. A big part of me is thanking God every single day, saying that I couldn’t ask for a better life than this one. Yet some other part is keep telling me that if I could trade anything, anything, with that “normal” life I had, I would.

I asked myself, ‘So what is it? What is the problem?’

Then I think the problem is not really at the environment. The problem is me. I’m the one who’s changing. My mood swing is rather crazy. I can laugh at the simplest thing yet my tears can flow at the drop of a hat. When I’m surrounded with people, the things they do and the things we do together can make me so happy that I laugh as if I’m the happiest person on earth. But when I’m alone, my addiction to crying comes back, even when absolutely nothing is happening.

Then I asked myself again ‘why?’

Hmm
Maybe, just maybe, the pain is still here.
Maybe, I still haven't let go of my shattered dream.
Maybe it’s still haunting me.
And I’m scared.

I’m scared that I will always be like this for the rest of my life. I’m scared that I will be living a life where I always wonder ‘what if that thing didn’t happen?’. I’m scared that whenever I look into the mirror, I’ll always see the girl who failed. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t.

I guess, I need help.